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Mixed CDs.

I was sick of the static-y radio tonight and decided to pop in a random untitled CD I had stashed in the side of my car door. I was hoping by chance I had grabbed the mix I had made awhile back with all Britney Spears songs on it just for the sake of wanting to sing at the top of my lungs and do what I call sexy seat moves but instead it ended up being a mix someone had made for me in the middle of this year.

I thought about immediately ejecting the CD for fear of bursting into uncontrollable tears but decided against it. You see the CD was made for me by someone who used to love me. The CD was meant to be heard by me to remind me of how much that person loves me. But as life would have it, feelings have changed, time has passed and I’m almost certain that love has vanished. Regardless, I decided to suck it up and listen to the CD. This time I actually LISTENED to the CD. I heard the words of the songs and thought about the meanings each song held.

I wondered if these songs that this person had chosen still ever made them think of me. I wondered if they could still evoke the same feelings they once did if they heard them. Most of the songs were about love and happiness and about knowing that two people were meant to be together. Some were about the future and all that life had to offer two people in love. But what got me most was wondering if these songs meant nothing now…like did they go back to just being “regular” songs or would they always mean something special to that other person? I want/ed to know so bad.

For me when I make a person a CD I put effort into the songs I choose and want them to hear. The songs I choose either remind me of them or are songs I know they would enjoy. Even thinking back to high school I can recall certain songs that were only important with certain friends. And that is how I feel now. When you make someone a CD those songs become special between those two people. But I guess what I’m asking/saying though is what happens when a relationship ends/changes? Does that mean the words that are expressed in the song are no longer true and have never been true? I really hope not.

I would like to think that no matter what happens between two people that the words and the music of songs remain the same. That although the feelings may be gone now, the songs are there to remind us that the feelings were TRUE and REAL. The songs are there when we doubt if that person actually loved us. They are the concrete evidence. Because even now as I listen to this certain CD my heart aches for those feelings again and heartache is proof that there was once the feeling of love.

You can’t just take away the messages and the meanings you associate with songs, especially when those songs were specifically chosen for you by another person. It’s just not possible. So in light of being sad about missing the person who made me the CD and wondering if those songs still reminded them of me I decided to change my outlook. I decided to be happy that these tender, loving and optimistic songs at one time made someone think about me. And I hope that if not now, then maybe in the future, they still could.


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